Senseless
by lurkingwhump
Summary: Jane's mind is whole now, but the ZIP is still assaulting her body. Post 4x09. One-shot


A/N: Okay, so here is my latest fic. I've had this idea for quite some time, but only now that we got Jane back did I pull myself together and start writing. Great minds think alike, since I know there is a fic on here that explores this same theme briefly. I love your fic, eblonde, and can't wait to see where it goes.

Thanks again to my dear beta for her corrections and suggestions.

This fic takes place after 4x09, so Jane is back, but this diverts from that as the show's timeline seems to be faster. Please leave a comment, good or bad. Your comments and ideas are what feed my muse *grin*.

All rights belong to MG & co, as well as the wonderful actors who give life to these characters. I'm just a fan, not making any money.

* * *

Kurt was quietly moving around the kitchen in their apartment, grabbing himself a mug from the cupboard and filling out the coffeemaker. It was already 9.30, but he was in no hurry although it was a weekday. It had been another rough night for them, and he had texted Reade that they'd be coming in in the afternoon.

It had been a week since Jane had found her way back to him and regained all of her memories, but despite that, the ZIP poisoning was advancing. Her headaches were getting worse and more frequent. It had been almost 4.30 last night before the pain lessened and she had finally been able to fall asleep in his arms. He had stayed awake with her all through the night, doing whatever he could to try ease her pain; he held her, massaged her neck or temples, and whispered endearments to her as she buried her head against the crook of his neck, just wanting for the pain to go away.

Kurt felt his heart breaking a little more with every episode like this that hit her. He swallowed the lump in his throat and took a shuddering breath. He could, and would, go to the ends of the earth to find the last of Roman's drives to develop the cure, but he was unable to help Jane when she was in agony. It was eating him alive.

He took the coffee pot and poured the liquid into the mug. The familiar smell of the coffee was almost reassuring and he took a sip, enjoying the feeling of warmth. He set down the mug and was reaching for his phone, when he was suddenly startled by Jane's voice coming from the bedroom.

"Kurt!"

Something was wrong. _Very_ wrong. Her voice held a note of terror he had never heard before.

"KURT!"

Sprinting to the bedroom, he saw her sitting up on the bed, one hand holding her forehead and the other reaching forward for something.

"Kurt.." she called out to him again, almost as if she hadn't noticed he was there.

"I'm here." He took her hand in his and sat beside her. She gasped at his touch.

"Jane." She heard the concern in his voice. "What's wrong? Is it the headaches?"

Her voice shook and she was almost hyperventilating. "I can't…..I can't see!"

It was like someone had knocked the wind out of him. Was this the last stages of the ZIP poisoning, the beginning of the end? The fear, the sinking feeling in his gut, almost had him gasping but he forced himself to fight it. He couldn't let it take over when Jane needed him. He carefully pulled her into an embrace, feeling her tremble against him.

She wrapped her arms around Kurt tightly, clinging to him. "I can't see…the ZIP, it's in my eyes. When will it hit my motor functions, my – ," Jane's voice was getting shrill.

He stroked her hair, holding her against him. "Hey…shh. Breathe. Take a deep breath."

She managed to get her breathing under control, but the fearful whimper that escaped her squeezed at his heart. His strong, amazing wife, who could take down any threat, was quivering in his arms; forced to face an enemy that was unlike anything she had ever faced. He squeezed her closer, wishing he could take away all of that pain and fear. "It's okay. Everything's going to be okay." He kept whispering it like a mantra, for himself as much as for her. He had to believe that.

When Jane had calmed, he pressed a kiss to her forehead and spoke, his voice gentle and soothing. "We're going to figure this out, I promise." He pulled away slightly and caressed her cheek, looking at her worriedly. "Are you going to be okay here for a minute, if I go and call the neurologist's office to set up an appointment?"

Her reply was a shaken, achy "Yeah", as she brought her hand back to massage her forehead.

Kurt helped her lie back down and kissed her softly. "I'll be right back."

* * *

Jane was sitting on the exam table in a hospital gown, shivering slightly against the cold in the room despite Kurt's arms wrapped around her as he stood behind her.

The neurologist had ordered blood tests to check her kidney and liver function, and an MRI, and conducted some tests to examine her eyes.

Jane shuddered, remembering the MRI. She had hoped that not being able to see would have made the MRI more bearable, but the experience was even more harrowing. She could hear all the sounds of the machine even more clearly despite the headphones she had on. She had desperately wanted to get out of the tube, she wanted to _see._

Kurt pulled her more tightly against him as she shivered, the warmth of his body and his familiar touch lessening her anxiety. Her mind was heading down a dark path again, but she was shaken out of her thoughts by the sound of the door. She thought she heard one set of footsteps, and she was right.

"Hello again, Jane," her neurologist, Dr. Riley, greeted her in a genial tone. He was an older man, in his sixties, who was one of the top specialists in his field, and very considerate and well-liked. He sat down in what Jane assumed was a roller chair as she heard the sound of the wheels and felt him grip her hand as a way of greeting.

"How are you feeling? Any changes?" His tone was businesslike, but still compassionate.

Jane sighed and shook her head, her reply quiet. "No. My head is still pounding and all I can see is lights and shadows."

"Okay. I took a look at your MRI."

"How did it look?" Kurt asked from behind Jane, before she had the chance to do so. He sounded calm and collected, but she could sense the worry exuding from him.

"I didn't see any major changes compared to the last ones."

"So, does that mean that this is permanent?" Jane asked, fighting to keep her voice level.

"I'm afraid I don't know." Dr. Riley said softly. "The brain is such a complex organ and there is so much about it that we simply don't know. The tiniest changes can have the biggest of impacts or vice versa. The blood flow in your brain is normal, so it has to be something affecting the neural connections. It could take anywhere from a week to three weeks before we can make any kind of determination about how permanent this is. I'm sorry."

Jane felt Kurt's hand in her own, squeezing gently. Her voice was a whisper as she acknowledged the information, trying to take it all in.

After a few seconds of silence, the doctor spoke again. "Jane, because of your symptoms, the headaches and the sudden onset of blindness, I'd like to do a lumbar puncture to rule out meningitis."

Kurt tensed behind her, his protective instinct kicking in once again. "Is that absolutely necessary?" He asked, his tone almost brusque. "She just had a similar procedure done not even a month ago."

"The test for the treatment, I know." Riley's voice was non-confrontational and Jane guessed this wasn't the first time he'd had to soothe the nerves of worried loved ones. "But it would help us find out, that if it is something as ordinary as meningitis, then we can treat it."

Jane brushed her hand against Kurt's arm, and turned her face up to where she knew he was. "Kurt, it's okay."

"But it's–" he protested.

"Shh, it's okay. Really," she assured him, caressing his arm again.

He hugged her to him, nuzzling her neck affectionately, obviously not caring about the doctor's presence.

"Let's do it," she addressed her neurologist, trying to sound confident.

"Okay. You can lie down while I gather the kit."

Kurt helped her lie down on the exam table, and she reached for him, her confidence fading as she heard the sounds of the testing tray being prepared.

"Kurt…"

"I'm right here," he soothed, pressing a kiss to her cheek and running his hand through her hair. She could smell the familiar scent of his cologne, somehow finding it a reassuring sign that he was next to her, even if she couldn't see him. "I'll stay here the whole time."

"Okay, Jane. Let's get started." She heard Dr. Riley approach and set the kit tray down. "First, I'm going to disinfect the puncture area, and then numb it before inserting the needle."

Jane just nodded, trying not to think about the idea of someone sticking another needle into her spine.

She squeezed her eyes shut against the pressure in her back as the needle entered. The doctor had to adjust it a couple of times before he found the correct spot and started to withdraw the fluid. It wasn't as painful as the procedure she'd had for the stem cell test, but still very uncomfortable. She felt Kurt grasp her hand, his thumb caressing her skin. As the pressure increased in her spine, she let out a small moan, gripping Kurt's hand tighter.

He brushed her cheek and leaned close to her, his tone comforting as he whispered to her. "Shh…Not much longer now, it's almost done. You're doing great, Jane."

It must have been only some minutes later when the doctor finally removed the catheter, but they felt like hours to her. Dr. Riley's voice sounded reassuring to Jane as he covered the puncture site with a dressing and helped her move into a more comfortable position. "There we go. It will take a couple of hours to get the results from the lab, but just by the looks of it the fluid seems clear, so I'm rather confident it isn't meningitis."

Jane let out a short breath, wishing she could see the person she was talking to. "Thank you. Although I'm not sure if meningitis would be preferable to ZIP at this point," she said, almost ruefully as the headache still lingered at her temples.

The older man's voice held a sad note. "I wish we had something certain to tell you, Jane. I'm sorry. ZIP is such an unknown drug within the medical community that we cannot tell you for sure if this blindness caused by it is permanent, or if it passes in time like a migraine headache. It could be a few weeks before we can say anything remotely definite."

Kurt's placed his hand on her shoulder, almost as if to give her strength. She knew he could tell she was struggling inside. She swallowed the lump in her throat, trying to keep her voice level. "I know you're doing everything you can, Doctor. Thank you."

Dr. Riley gripped Jane's fingers lightly as a goodbye. "And we'll keep working on it. Now you still need to rest here for an hour before your husband can take you home. You should stay in bed and rest when you get there. There is a chance you will get worse headaches after the procedure, but I'll prescribe some stronger painkillers for you because of the symptoms in any case. You can take them every 6 hours if you need to. I'll call to check on you in a day or two."

"Thank you, Doctor," Jane heard Kurt say to the older man as he walked with him to the door, and then the sound of the door as he left, leaving her and Kurt alone in the room.

The neurologist's words about not knowing if her blindness was permanent kept echoing in her mind, eating away at the last shreds of her strength. What would she be without her sight? What could she do, before the ZIP killed her? She took a shaky breath, willing the emerging headache away, her lower lip trembling as she felt the foundation of her world shaking. "Kurt…" She reached out for him, the feeling of anguish gripping her tighter and tighter by the second.

His warm hand grasped hers gently, and he stepped next to her. "I'm right here, Jane."

She turned her face in his direction. "What if this is permanent? I won't be able to work, to be able to defend myself, to –"

"Shh. Come here," Kurt coaxed and then she found herself enveloped in his warm embrace, her cheek pressed against the soft fabric of his shirt.

The warm tears trailed down her cheeks, and to the shirt, slowly soaking it. Jane made no effort to collect herself. She simply couldn't. The blindness had finally struck home the fact that she had so hard tried to block out: ZIP was fatal, and it was slowly killing her. Just when she felt like a whole person for the first time, a cruel final blow, courtesy of Shepherd, intended to rob her of life and of the happiness she had.

Kurt held her, letting her cry. He shushed her tenderly, his hand rubbing circles on her back, while the other carefully held her head to his chest. He squeezed her close and kissed her forehead.

"If this is permanent, I won't–," she began, silenced by his thumb cautiously tracing her lips.

"Shh. Don't go there, Jane," he whispered.

"I'm scared, Kurt," she confessed in a fragile voice.

She heard his pained exhalation and felt his hand gingerly trace her cheek, drying her tears. The emotion and tenderness in his tone almost made her break down again. "It's going to be okay." He caressed her cheek and kissed her softly. "You heard the doctor. It could be weeks before they can tell anything for sure. And even then, we are still looking for the cure. We _will_ beat this," he murmured, his voice full of conviction.

She pressed her face to his chest, into the scent that was him, and drew a few shuddering breaths to calm herself, buoyed by his strength and confidence. Just when she thought she had no fight left in her, he was there to carry her, to reassure her.

She turned her face up towards his, even though she couldn't see him. "Thank you."

She was met with another, loving kiss. "Anytime. Lie down now, try to sleep." Kurt carefully eased her back to rest on the pillow. "A little while longer and then we can go home."

"Okay," was her quiet reply as she settled and willed the headaches to stay away.

* * *

Kurt parked the car on the street of their apartment building and glanced worriedly at Jane. She was leaning back against the headrest, her face crunched in pain and her breathing faster than normal. When they had left the hospital, Jane had said the pain was manageable, but it was clear that it had worsened in the 45 minutes it took them to drive home through the City's traffic.

"Jane," he spoke quietly and reached out to touch her arm. "We're home. Just sit tight, I'll come over to your side."

"Okay," was her stilted reply.

Helping Jane out, he had her wrap her other arm around his back and he did the same to her, so that she could lean into him as they walked. He moved slowly, ensuring that she was able to walk comfortably. He could feel the tension in her body as she couldn't see where they were going. If he felt uneasy, he knew it must be terrifying for Jane. He helped her navigate the few steps up to the building's front door and heard her groan quietly as she leaned against him once they were in the relative privacy of the apartment building's lobby. She brought her hand up to press against her temple briefly.

"Almost home," he whispered to her reassuringly, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "How's the headache?"

"I just want to get home."

Kurt's worry grew as he noticed she'd gone pale while they waited for the elevator. He guided her inside and pressed the button to their floor, needing to get her home.

Suddenly, Jane cried out sharply and nearly doubled over, grabbing her head.

"Jane!" His heart jumped to his throat, as he reached out to steady her and pulled her to him as her knees threatened to give out. She didn't reply, only whimpered in pain against him. "I've got you," he calmed her as he lifted her into his arms, without even a token of protest from his wife. For Jane to be like this, the pain must be excruciating.

The elevator dinged, and Kurt walked the few yards to their door, managing to open the door with Jane still nestled against him. He kicked the door closed and carried her to their bedroom, gingerly lowering her to the bed. He took off her boots and helped the jacket off her, before sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Concerned, he caressed her forehead. "Where does it hurt?"

"My head. Temples. Feels….feels like someone….. is using… a chainsaw in there."

Hearing Jane be so candid squeezed at his heart. She usually tried to hide the pain as long as she could, so to hear her describe the pain in those terms, it had to be agonizing. "Oh, my love." He continued his caresses, noticing that it seemed to help her. Keeping his voice low, he went on, "I'm going to get you a glass of water and a couple of the pills that Dr Riley prescribed you, okay? They should help ease the pain."

Jane's only reply was a quiet moan.

He returned a few minutes later and sat back beside her.

"Okay, here we go." Kurt pressed the tablets into Jane's palm and noticed her hand was shaking. "Let me help," he murmured as he helped her sit up. Guiding the glass to her hand, he held on to it as she grabbed it and took a couple of gulps to get the pills down.

Settling her back against the pillows, he grabbed the throw blanket from the end of the bed and covered her with it.

"I got you the ice pack," he continued and gently placed the cloth-covered pack on her forehead. The doctor had said that ice packs were a good home remedy for easing migraine headaches, so he had recommended they should see if it helped Jane's.

She let out a small sigh, as the cold ice made contact with her skin.

Smiling slightly, Kurt continued running his hand up and down her arm soothingly.

"Try to rest. Is there anything else you need?"

"You." Her voice was quiet, small.

It was only a single word, but he knew what she meant.

He climbed onto the bed next to her, and being careful not to jostle her too much, he pulled her into his arms so that her head was resting on his chest.

"Better?"

"Yeah."

"Good," he whispered, unable to keep from smiling as he leaned in to kiss her hair. "Try to get some sleep. I've got you."

* * *

A little over a week had passed since Jane had lost her sight. Kurt had stayed with her the first couple of days since then, but Rich and Patterson had discovered new leads about Roman's drives, so reluctantly he had left Jane at home, telling himself he was more use to her when hunting down the drives than staying at home. Jane had learned to navigate their home quickly, but Kurt knew that the blindness was taking a toll on her. The battle with the worsening headaches was constant. Her pain and his own helplessness tore his heart apart.

Jane was dozing on the couch when she was awoken by the sound of a key turning in the lock. The apartment was dark, so she figured she must have fallen asleep since there had still been some light coming from the windows when she had settled on the couch earlier.

She heard Kurt enter and throw his keys on the kitchen counter before making his way to her, pulling her into his arms as he sat down.

"Hey," he whispered as he nuzzled her neck.

"Hi yourself. What time is it?"

"It's about 6.30," he answered and reached over to turn on the lamp on the table. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay, the headaches haven't been so bad today."

Kurt squeezed her hands as they sat in her lap. "That's good. How about your eyes, any change?" He asked the same question as he had every day. She had resigned herself to the idea that the blindness was most likely permanent as the ZIP advanced, but Kurt still held on to hope.

"No," she said quietly and turned her head down. To her surprise, she thought she saw a glimmer of something. She gasped and gripped Kurt's hand tighter. "Kurt, I.."

"What? What is it?!" His voice was alarmed.

Jane blinked a few times, but with her left eye she thought she could make out a glimmer of light as it bounced off his wedding ring. "I think, I think I can see something."

"Jane," he breathed her name, his tone a mix of happiness and surprise. "That's great!"

Still cautious, not wanting to get her hopes up, she forced herself to stay calm. "This might be nothing, but I think I can see some actual light with one eye, not just shades."

Kurt hugged her close, and murmured into her neck, his tone emotional. "That's still good news. Give it time."

She hugged him back, breathing in his scent, feeling a spark of hope for the first time in days.

"I'm going to make us some dinner. Come on," his voice sounded hopeful as he got up and tugged at her hand. Feeling a smile twitch at her lips, she followed his lead, walking with him over to the kitchen counter and just sitting there with him, listening to him work and talk about the latest developments in the NYO.

As the hours of the evening wore on, Jane thought she could start making out the same amount of light with her other eye. She could actually distinguish proper shapes, feeling more secure as she stepped into the shower in the bathroom, instead of cautiously groping around as she moved. Stepping out of the shower, she glanced towards the mirror and, sure enough, she could fuzzily make out her own image in it.

What brought her the most joy was that as she emerged from the bathroom with her hair sticking in all directions after she had towel-dried it, she could make out Kurt's silhouette in their bedroom and walk confidently up to him. She leaned against him and placed a kiss to his jaw. "It's very slow, but I can see some shapes."

She couldn't see his smile clearly, but she heard it in his tone as he put his arms around her waist and leaned down to kiss her. "Slow as it is, we better call Dr. Riley tomorrow and tell him." He paused for a moment before continuing, almost as if her was afraid to voice the next words. "How's the headache?"

"It's a dull pounding. The painkillers are working."

"Good. Come on, let's go to bed."

Jane crawled under the covers and sighed contentedly as she felt Kurt cocoon her into his embrace as his other hand gently massaged the nape of her neck; his touch gradually chasing the pounding away as sleep arrived.

* * *

The first thing Jane registered as she woke was Kurt lightly running his fingers up and down her back. She was happy to notice that the headache that had plagued her during the night was gone. Feeling the comforting warmth of Kurt's body surround her, she murmured in satisfaction at his touch and pulled away slightly before opening her eyes.

"Morning," he whispered softly, his blue eyes gazing lovingly into hers.

"Morn–," she stopped mid-greeting as she realized that she could _see_ him. She could _see_ that gentle, loving look in his eyes again, the one only meant for her. Her breath caught with the emotion and she felt the moisture brim her eyelids. "Kurt…" she whispered as she brought her hand to trace his cheek, and he leaned into her touch, the meaning and memory of the gesture not lost on him.

Tears ran down her cheeks freely, as she spoke through them "I can see you! I can see again." She cried, burying her head into the crook of his neck. She could hear the tears in his voice as he whispered her name and a sob escaped him as he squeezed her against him, holding her tight in his arms. His voice cracked as he leaned down to press a long, tender kiss to her lips. "Welcome back, my love."


End file.
